Funny Joke - Welfare Check

Welfare Check

A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marches straight up to the counter and says, "You know...I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

"You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."

"This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, says, "Wow! You gotta be bullshittin' me!"

To which the social worker replies, "Yeah, well...you started it."

The Other "Memorial Day" (By Vince Flynn)

A friend of mine turned me on to political thriller author Vince Flynn, a novelist who is a regular on the New York Times Bestseller list. I've been working my way through his catalog over the last year or so and I have to say, so far it's been a lot more hit than miss.

In a bit of cosmic irony, I finished his novel "Memorial Day" on Memorial Day. It wasn't planned. I had no intention of doing it. But the honest truth is, I couldn't put it down. I had been reading a chapter or two a morning before work, but I blew through the last 100 pages or so on Memorial Day because I just HAD to finish it. It was that good.

If you're looking for a new author to check out, give Vince Flynn a try. His first novel, "Term Limits," is VERY good. His 2nd novel, "Transfer of Power," introduces Flynn's staple character Mitch Rapp (the cornerstone of all the subsequent books). If you like those two books, you'll enjoy all of Flynn's stuff...and his catalog will keep you buys for a while.

On a different note, if you're a fan of MY writing (lol), SixWordStories.net was kind enough to pick up one of my other entries:

- http://www.sixwordstories.net/2010/05/i'm-schizophrenic-and-so-am-i/

Thanks for stopping by.

Movie Reviews and a Published Six Word Story

I've done a few more single tweet movie reviews on Twitter for Iron Man 2, Robin Hood, Big Fan, Legion, The New Daughter, Daybreakers and The Road (it's been a busy month of momie watching)! You can check those out at:

- http://www.twitter.com/FilmReviewIn140

SixWordStories.net also published one of my Six Word Stories:

- http://www.sixwordstories.net/2010/05/fat-switched-to-diet-soda-cancer/

It was submitted a long time ago and I don't think it's one of my best, but I can't complain. I'm a published author again. =)

GameSauce Article + Milwaukee Brewers Article

I've been on a bit of a writing kick lately, which is a good thing. I'm trying to stay sharp and motivated so I can get my ass moving on my screenplay and on a mystery story I've been outlining. In the meantime, though, I have video game development and I have the Milwaukee Brewers.

If you haven't seen GameSauce Magazine, you should really check it out. Great stuff! They had a fantastic debut issue a few months back that really got my attention. So much so, in fact, I asked if I could contribute to issue #2. I was pleasantly surprised when they said yes. The result? A collaborative effort with a friend (and fellow Producer) of mine, Dan Magaha:

- Producers: Essential Glue For Any Project or Useless Bags of Meat?

Opinions will vary on whether or not I am glue or meat, I'm sure, but I think the article makes some good points. I had a lot of fun writing it.

Something that isn't as fun for me is the Milwaukee Brewers' 2010 season so far. At 15-24, they aren't looking very good. A lot of fans are calling for Ken Macha's head on a platter. I analyze those feelings in:

- Ken Macha: Can The Struggling Milwaukee Brewers Really Blame Him?

I'm leaning toward "Yes, fire him" myself, but I also realize the team is underachieving in all phases of the game and the free agents who were brought in to help the team just aren't producing. The team needs a spark. I'm not sure if Macha can give them a spark or if it's going to take him being fired to ignite this team.

If the Brewers keep losing, though, we'll probably find out soon enough.

Bennett: "You're getting old, John!"

About ten years ago, I made a comment to a co-worker about how I was feeling old. I was about 26 at the time and I was reading a copy of Playboy Magazine. I saw the centerfold was born in 1982 and I was like "Christ, I remember 1982. Vividly. I feel so old."

My friend Bob told me, "Take heart, Kenn. You're not old. Now when you pick up a copy of Playboy Magazine and you realize that the Playmate of the month was born the year you graduated high school...THEN you'll feel old."

That happened yesterday.

This month's Playboy centerfold was born on October 21st, 1991...the same year I graduated high school.

*heavy sigh*

"Let off some steam, Bennett!"

Ronnie James Dio (1942 - 2010) Remembered

"Horns at half mast," laments Anthrax's Scott Ian, speaking of the death of Heavy Metal Icon Ronnie James Dio, who passed away Sunday after a battle with stomach cancer. The metal world mourns the legend of diminutive stature and megalithic voice and so, too, do I.

Roughly 11 years ago (give or take), I was coming home from a friend's house after a night of beer drinking and hell raising. I shouldn't have been driving, undoubtedly, but I was young and stupid. What was I at that point? 26, I guess. Time flies...

Anyway, I had recently purchased an engagement ring for my girlfriend at the time, but I hadn't yet proposed. I was driving home in my 1997 Chevy Cavalier to our cramped, one bedroom apartment that was barely big enough for one of us, much less both of us. I don't know how we managed, but somehow we made due.

I was tired and I was listening to the radio to stay awake. I had it tuned to 94.1 JJO -- a Madison, Wisconsin radio station that had adopted a metal format in the past year. The DJ said it was time to play a classic from the Sunset Superman and suddenly "Rainbow in the Dark" was coming out of the speakers.

I cranked the radio and banged my head, holding a cigarette in one hand and making devil horns with the other. I was suddenly wide awake and flush with adrenaline. I was psyched up by the power of metal and I was glad to be alive!

Suddenly, it hit me. The time was right. I needed to go home and propose...right fucking now. "Rainbow in the Dark" had inspired me to charge forward with my life!

Here I was, coming home at some obscene hour - drunk - down on one knee. I asked my girlfriend to marry me. I don't know why she said yes, but she did. Probably to get me to shut the fuck up and go to sleep so she could get up and work in a few hours. =)

That wasn't the first time Ronnie James Dio had inspired me with his music to feel alive and do something bold or crazy with my life. And now, despite his passing, I can assure you it won't be the last.

Rest in peace, my metal friend. Your legend is forever!

More Six Word Stories

I've submitted some more Six Word Stories to http://www.sixwordstories.net.

They are:

- Fat. Switched to diet soda. Cancer.
- My mother shot me once. Once.
- Black Flag doesn’t kill software bugs.
- Long drive...home run! Damn. Foul.

None of them were chosen as featured tales, but they're still fun anyway. I dig 'em.