Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Rock & Roll Hall of Lame

There's a reason "Burn the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame to the ground" is in the Top 3 things on my Bucket List (after win the lottery and marry Kate Beckinsdale, not necessarily in that order). The whole thing just plain sucks...

[ Rock & Roll Hall of Flames ]

Year after year I watch undeserving, underwhelming acts and individuals make their way into the not so hallowed halls of this institutional mockery (this year's list of 2011 nominees is no exception).

Who am I referring to? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a sampling of Rock & Roll Hall of LAMERS:

- Bonnie Raitt
- The Lovin' Spoonful
- Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five
- Brenda Lee
- The O'Jays

No, seriously. I'm not joking. Look it up. These are the best of the best. The cream of the crop. Hall of f'ing FAMERS!

Where is...?

- KISS - More Gold records than any group in HISTORY, including the Beatles. Gave AC/DC (Hall of Famers), Van Halen (Hall of Famers), Bon Jovi (HoF Nominees), Cheap Trick, Rush and Judas Priest (among others) their first opportunities as opening acts on their tours. The most visually recognizable band worldwide in history?

- Rush - Sales statistics place them third behind The Beatles and The Rolling Stones for the most consecutive gold or platinum studio albums by a rock band.

- Judas Priest - Ushered in the new wave of British hard rock/heavy metal. Pioneered the dual guitar attack in metal. Easily one of the most influential metal bands of the last 40 years.

- Motorhead - Without Motorhead (and Judas Priest), there is no Metallica, yet Metallica is sitting in the Hall of Lame. Motorhead are the pioneers of thrash metal.

- Pat Benetar - Who's more important to Rock...Pat Benetar or Brenda Lee? Brenda who? Exactly. If you grew up in the 70s and 80s, you knew an army of girls who wanted to BE Pat Benetar when they grew up.

But why stop there? What about Boston? Cheap Trick? Grand Funk Railroad? Bad Company? Foreigner? Def Leppard? Peter Frampton? Dio? Journey?

For God's sake, Alice Cooper is being nominated for the VERY FIRST TIME this year!

You see what I'm saying? Admit it...the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is a joke.

But take heart, folks. One day, Ms. Beckinsdale and I will fly to Cleveland in our private jet and I will personally burn that motherf***er down. And when it's finished, I'm going to piss on the ashes...right where The Righteous Brothers exhibit used to be.

Count on it.

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